what have i been up to?

1. daily duty. i can't even afford to be late. 1 late is equivalent to 8 hours make-up.
2. studying. if you've experienced one cardiology rounds with dr. malanyaon, i swear you won't be able to sleep without lifting a page.
3. sleeping. it seems that i always have a catching up to do.
4. worrying. seven months to go before the board exams and i have not started yet.

i reviewed my journal i stored in my laptop. reading it amazed me. i wrote exactly what i felt. which is halfway good and halfway bad. good because i know that i feel different now. bad because i was reminded of how bad things were i could amost cry again. maybe, that was the reason why i never kept a journal before aside from the fact that my parents check my stuff and all. i also checked the photos, and wondered why i kept some pictures i should have deleted a long time ago, but until now can't delete from my hard disk. and yeah, so that's how he looked. i almost forgot. and looking intently at our picture, my memory of him is almost something unreal. did he actually exist? or even happened? it seems that all the fretting and crying is only about a name with a face that i hardly remember.

and now i realized i have plans. my mom always thought i was highly ambitious, but the truth was i never planned anything that other people did not plan beforehand. i was always the one to go with the flow and grab the opportunity that came my way. i was just given options. now, i am planning and dreaming, and wanting. it felt good. so darn good.

»my internship at east avenue medical center. though it was at first, something i thought i regret doing, internship at east avenue had opened new horizons. i keep an open mind for the remaining four months.

»my grandmother's recovery from sickness. at 84 years of age, i know she has more years ahead of her. she'd be there when i take my oath.

»my family. we were never rich, but we've always had enough. i have the best relatives one could ever ask for. family will always be family.

»my friends, both the old and the new. i am thankful for the friends i have since high school who have always kept in touch, who have accepted me for who i am, and have forgiven me for all my mistakes. i am thankful for the friends i gained during my last year in medical school. all the hardships we went through had strenghthened the bind that holds us. i am thankful for the new found friends in EAMC, my groupmates, who have welcomed me in their group. my duty partner aan, my model of modesty and kindness, thank you for teaching me the values i still have to master. and my roommate babeth, the best roommate one could ask for, for sticking up with me for the last 8 months.

»OM and EAMC residents doctors, thank you for all the things you have taught me. real life medicine is still different from the ones you've read in books.

»my life. it has not been exactly a smooth road for the last few months. i have learned so many things the hard way and i am still learning. but every morning when i wake up, i am still grateful for all the blessings i have received. i am thankful that i am still alive.

»and for all the people who have been a part of my life, to whom i've said hello and goodbye this year, thank you. i've always believed that everything has a reason, and this will all make perfect sense someday.

and as i say adios to 2004, i bury all the hurts and leave them to the year that was, with the hope of a bright beginning in 2005.

merry christmas and a happy new year.